Moment with Minion #140
(in the hardware store...trying to fix the toilet)
Me: I want caulk.
Minion: I want cock!
I'm funnier on Twitter...
I’m going to set aside all of my current political hostility for the moment. I really do love you all, whatever you believe, and I realize sometimes my frustration with certain issues can come across fairly combative. So, I apologize for that (though I anticipate future occurrences). In other news, who decided giving candy to kids was a good idea? I know that not all children are as...
Todd Akin won't pull out. Of course not. He's...
Moment with Minion #139
Me: How was the pool?
Me: Did the little boy play nice?
Minion: Yes! (pause) We played murder!
Me: Wait, I thought you said he played nice?
Minion: It was the nice kind of murder. We both wanted to play.
Where Morality Meets Insanity: The Uterus.
I am a life-loving, honorable man and, as such, the uterus-wielding members of our society have begun to offend me. They may pretend to be ‘reasonable’ and even ‘intelligent’ (how cute of them) but I see how they vote. These card-carrying members of the Uterus Club vote for rights. They vote that they should be able to make decisions for themselves (apparently choosing what’s for dinner no longer...
Moment with Minion #138
Me: So, tell me about your life.
Minion: That would be a really long story. I had a good day though.
Moment with Minion #137
Me: are you ignoring me?
Minion: your breath smells bad. (off my look) it does! I smelled it.
...still not a good idea to call her names?
Do you ever feel like you just met a serial...
…and you found them incredibly likable? #flippingmiddleofnowhere
I already knew Todd Akin was capable of stupidity but the bad grammar on his new website (since removed)…unforgivable. There is a difference between “Your” and “You’re”…just like Todd Akin **thinks** there’s a difference between rape and ‘legitimate rape’.
Political - be warned
Some of these political men who have been talking about rape really sound like they have experience…raping women. I mean, they are speaking as if they’re the authority and have full understanding of what goes on, right? I should clarify: when I say “raping women” I mean both of our dignity and our rights.
That moment when a really sweet person gives you a compliment on your clothes and you’re happy about it until you see what they’re wearing. They clearly have no authority on the matter. It’s a very similar feeling to when someone really stupid agrees with you and says you’re very intelligent. #effingreversecompliments
Moment with Minion #136
Driving down the freeway and see a sign...
Me: My favorite store! I want to go there!
Minion: We don't always get what we want.
...you little (insert profanity here).
Trickle down economics is like handing your...
I need a new blog...
Every time I reference my views on politics or Twilight, I lose followers. Perhaps I need another blog for those two topics. Shouldn’t be that hard. I’m damn sure there’s already a ‘Twilight has ruined the planet for all future generations’ fan club out there somewhere.
Senate Candidate Akin Makes Questionable Rape... →
Okay, I try to avoid politics but it’s an election year. So, I get this guy doesn’t speak for all Republicans but I’m seeing an overwhelming trend against women and I have an idea for how we can stop it. You ready? Let’s all (all women, that is) subscribe to abstinence until Obama is reelected. You want to start a war on vaginas? Go right ahead and see how those vaginas...
Some of what you missed...
…by not following me on Twitter. My dad once had me stand way too close to a thunder storm while holding (essentially) a lightning rod. Now that I have Minion, I understand. “mom I want you to leave!” translation: “you leave me and I will cry until your soul hurts.” What do you say to moms of ugly babies? “looks like he could be a doctor…lord...
I'm aware this makes me a horrible person but...
I heard on the news about a man who went missing off the coast of…and I immediately started thinking, “well, yeah. It’s shark week.”
Moment with Minion #135
Minion: (re: new Taylor Swift song) I love it! Except for the part with the 'never ever getting back together' thing. The rest is beautiful.
Like exhausted. All the time. Does that ever wear off?
An Article worth reading...
Unfortunately, only other mothers can really understand the impact. http://www.fireseastudios.com/livingartist/?p=1085
Listening to Commercials...
Can’t tell whether or not they’re being serious. That’s how bad they are. One after another I feel like I’m watching the spoof commercials they air around the New Year. It’s ridiculous. I should be working. You know what doesn’t help me get work done? Television. It’s mere existence fuels my tendency for procrastination. In unrelated news, four nights in...
Pamie » “Super cute script, girl.” →
Wonderful article for all you women writers out there… or just an insight on some of the perspectives.
Thank you, Brave...
Minion pulled up her skirt and yelled, “Feast your eyes!”…wow. I really hope she never does that in public.
I feel like...
I should give myself ten minutes in the week to be lonely. I spend so much of my time consumed with the Minion (as it should be) and trying to balance, work, life, dreams etc that I forget… In the midst of all my daily life, I forget how much it aches to want someone who isn’t here. And then, I find myself lying in bed and reaching out into nothingness and it hits… No matter how...
Moment with Minion #134
Minion: I can't find my violin!
Me: It's a harmonica.
(a few minutes go by)
Minion: I found my violin!
Me: It's still a harmonica.
...yep. That's my day so far.
I don’t even like 3 Musketeers but every time I see the new commercial, I want to eat one. Why? Because they use the word ‘enrobe’ in the ad. The right words make me a total slut…for chocolate anyway.
Minion now has...
Two bows with arrows AND a knife. It’s plastic but still very k-bar ish. I might die very soon. She’s very cute but I have no doubt that if I cross her, she will cut me.
I met a really cute guy that I would definitely put in the dateable category. Charming. Handsome. Very intelligent. Surprisingly brilliant eye for art as demonstrated by his directorial pieces available online (minimal amount of cyber stalking involved). And have I mentioned he’s tall? Very tall. Perfection kind of tall. Like, I can wear five inch heels and he’s still nicely taller...
Best Pick Up This Week...
Super Hot Guy (black): Is the Minion black?
Me: Nope. (insert sad face)
Super Hot Guy: Would you like your next child to be? :)
...lol. Good times. And good job. I should state that he knew my sense of humor before taking this approach.
Driving down the road...
Caught myself turning up the volume on ‘Call Me Maybe’…does someone have the number for the support group for that?
I walked into...
…my own romantic comedy today. Granted, I skipped the boring intro, middle craziness, and blissful ending but there was definitely a meet cute and some comedy. At least in my attention starved - single mom brain. Seriously, I’ve been single so long now that when someone makes eye contact I have an orgasm. Well…not really. If that were true, I would stay single FOR-EV-ER. I...
Moment with Minion #133
Minion: Why are you wearing that?
Me: Because it makes me feel cute.
Minion: Is that like when I 'feel' you're being mean but I'm just disobeying?
...so close to calling her a bitch. So close. Ate a chocolate bar instead.
Today was absolutely sensational...
It would be difficult to describe the full extent of its awesomeness without delving into long explanations but… it was a wonderful day. Received such validation and met some interesting people. Sensational.
I have a desire...
to buy a massive amount of sexy lingerie. Not getting any action but I’m tired of looking at my lazy, don’t leave the house, single-forever type undergarments. If I have to look at me, I should at least sex it up a bit.
Minion told me to “Be patient” today. Seriously? From the kid who freaks out that it takes more than ten seconds to cook her breakfast?
Me: I really don't enjoy people. If I could hide in my room forever and never leave, I totally would.
Friend: And you wonder why you're still single.
Me: (laughing really loudly) I've never wondered why.
...and I like it.
Something about me...
I always work out in my underwear or naked. Having to look at my fat ass in the mirror is very motivating. I’ve been kicked out of a lot of gyms though…
That’s it… I miss you guys. I’ve been sick and busy and gone… but I miss you guys.