May 2013
1 post
The Rules
#1 - Don’t die
#2 - Don’t kill (unless it’s the only way to avoid breaking rule #1)
#3 - No boys in the car
#4 - Don’t touch Mom’s face
#5 - Don’t touch Mom’s hair
#6 - Don’t lick any part of Mom
#7 - Don’t give Mom tittie twisters
There’s more but that’s pretty much how rules develop when you live with the Minion
April 2013
1 post
I lost my twitter password etc
But I still love all my twitter followers. More soon.
March 2013
1 post
I do still exist...
It’s been a crazy month. I got a new job. Moved. Went through some hard personal stuff. Got into some amazing graduate programs. Am contemplating another move. And haven’t been able to hug the Minion nearly enough.
How is everyone on here?
February 2013
2 posts
cosmo tip #600
lipstick-feminists:
tw: rape
expertcosmotips:
if he thinks rape jokes are funny go on a romantic boat ride with him and leave him in the middle of the fucking ocean to die
Bastards
Pretty sure the Vermont Teddy Bear commercial just made me a full on feminist. What a ridiculous, misogynistic piece of shit advertisement.
January 2013
10 posts
If Love...
Every person is a painting.
Every one of us is layered, colorful moments hidden behind darker shades that touch us.
Every one of us is a work of art to be treasured always or tossed aside with the popularity of another form.
If love…
If love is something true.
If love for me is possible.
If love is a person rather than an idea…
Then he is an artist. A poet. A painter. A...
As it were...
Your feelings, an enigma
Condescendingly out of reach
Your face against my lips
I cannot touch you
However did I wander
This far along this road
Never having known
All this way I walked alone
I held your hand so tightly
When you weren’t even there
Your eyes
Warm, dark pools to drown in
I’ve forgotten how to swim
Moment with Minion #147
Picking up my copy of Memoirs of a Geisha...
Minion: Mom, it's your face!!!
Me: No, it's not.
Minion: I'm pretty sure I know what your face looks like, mom.
...this kid. Wow.
Moment with Minion #146
Me: Eat your food.
Minion: It’s hard to chew.
Me: Why?
Minion: It hurts my teeth.
Me: Are your teeth okay?
Minion: They are just so little! They’re baby teeth. I shouldn’t have to eat all of my food with these little teeth.
…oh goody.
Any Suggestions...
For ignoring the feelings of liking someone who doesn’t like you back? Cuz I do great for a while and then I’ll hear from him again and I just realize I’m not over it. And, worst part is it happens all the time.
I think I sabotage myself. I choose guys who will never fall for me so I don’t have to actually let someone in…
Clearly, this post has nothing to do with...
Moment with Minion #145
(Minion playing on the floor)
Minion: The queen desires more power. And before her, all the kingdoms fall.
Me: Watching Once Upon A Time makes you talk funny.
Minion: (all chipper) I know!
When the songs they play at the club are the same...
Said I needed to lose twenty pounds. Minion piped...
December 2012
16 posts
Pajama Shopping!!!
That’s where instead of shopping FOR pajamas, you go shopping while WEARING pajamas. Minion and I had one hell of an awesome day. That kid, seriously, the best.
An Honest Love Question
Is love like a muscle? Do we have to experience it, exercise it and strengthen it in order to feel love? Is it necessary to begin by crawling into love before we have the ability to run the entire course of it? If love is a muscle, then the tears make it stronger. If love beats like the heart, then it can be made more resilient by stretching and pulling it to the limits. If love is a muscle, then...
Moment with Minion #144
I can't believe this convo/rant just happened:
Minion: You are my baby's (doll) grandma. And grandma is her great grandma. And papa...papa is her great papa? I don't know what papa's are called when they're great but they sure are great.
(pause)
Minion: You see, it's the same word but I'm using it differently. The second great meant excellent...or excellente!
...holy crap. My kid is too smart for her own good. I'm so screwed.
I like to pretend the "most interesting man in the...
Dear Marketing People,
Having a skinny blonde white girl say “cray cray” is effing not okay, k? Thanks.
Mom.Single
Dear Online Dating,
The main reason I don’t sign up for your service is because your ad is a girl who is a professed “giggler.” If even the women on your site are bat shit crazy, no thanks.
Mom.Single
Getting Fat
So, I’m getting so fat that… despite my lack of sexual encounters, I want to take a pregnancy test in hopes that there’s a biological reason for why my pants don’t fit.
Damn it.
I’m just fat.
Dear Christian Mingle,
Please stop sending me spam. First, my people and your people don’t have a good history (see: the Crusades and the Holocaust). Second, I don’t trust online dating. People lie enough in person, I don’t want to listen to actively pursue liars online. And lastly, the only thing I trust less than online dating is religious online dating. I don’t need to be raped, murdered, and...
Spent an hour doing my hair...
And then it rained. Now, I look like a wet dog in a dress. Not cool.
Yesterday
I had a conversation with the Minion about the difference between a date and a relationship. Explaining to a five-year-old that having a date is not the same as having a boyfriend is confusing enough but how about explaining it to adults. How clear are we with our intentions? Do we accept a standard that is unwritten and thus prone to misconception or do we write our own?
I like truth. I prefer...
Optimism is foolishness...
And yet, I want to be optimistic. I would love just in this one instance to be able to only see the happy outcomes, the ways this could work instead of all the ways it could fail.
November 2012
40 posts
Traumatized
Trauma does go away, eventually. It just never goes far. While watching a movie, I was suddenly dragged back into a situation of terrifying proportions. I felt my chest tighten and my fingers clawed desperately at the couch, trying to pretend the story I was watching wasn’t my own. It had been years since those experiences had grabbed me that firmly but two scenes in one movie and I was right back...
Next song was "I Kissed A Girl"...
Guess I shouldn’t read too much into the background music…or should I?
Hmmmm...
Contemplating how honest I want to be at the moment given this blog being public record and my knowledge of who might, if they choose, decide to venture into these thoughts of mine. That being said, here’s what’s on my mind.
I’m a firm believer that life should have background music. How fantastic would it be if every time you walked into something shady classic horror film...
Things They Don't Tell You #8
There will be times when you are laughing too hard for discipline to be successful.
I want to date Sleeping Beauty Style...
Just let me sleep until a prince comes and kisses me. Yes, sleep is how I want to find a man. No more waiting for a text/call that will never come.
The Love of My Life
The love of my life was always going to be tall, thin, and up for anything. I never imagined the love of my life would be white but, I guess life knew something I didn’t. I always thought the love of my life would open doors for me, pay for dinner, and never, ever lick my face. Wrong again.
There are a lot of fantasies from childhood that carried over into this nearly adult life I have....
I'm considering adding this to the bottom of all...
This message is only intended for the listed recipient and if, by chance, it is intercepted by the FBI, CIA, or any child protection agencies, please be aware the contents is sarcastic in nature and does not condone or encourage violence against children or any sort of violent acts involving children. This message is also not to be seen as a threat of future harm against children as it is, as...
Listening to...
Now, I already know this is a problem I have so don’t waste your breath pointing out the masochistic tendencies I’m already aware of. I’m such a masochist that it’s one of the only things I can say in French. But, that is another story.
So, I’m listening to “Have a Little Faith in Me” and it’s breaking my heart. I have a tendency to listen to sappy...
Seriously
Do not text me on Thanksgiving unless it’s to profess your undying love. It’s been that kind of shitty, exhausting, depressing, frustrating, and isolated year. So, unless you’re desperately in need of telling me how wanted I really am, don’t bother me. Thanks.
This does not apply to any professionals in my field who happen to have positive news with recent projects. Those...
24 hour lipcolor?
Apparently, too big of a commitment for me. How the hell do you get this stuff off?
This is awful but...
Just saw an ad for “Extended Holiday Returns” so you can return any item after Christmas for a full refund. And what exactly did the ad feature for their return policy? An engagement ring. Lol. If they only knew…
My kid being sick is breaking my heart.
Moving Forward
Pretty dang sure my life is finally moving in the right direction. What am I basing this on? Well, mostly, the ads and friend suggestions facebook has been sending me lately. Almost every ad I used to get was for online dating, unwanted pregnancy, and legal assistance. All the friend suggestions I used to receive were losers from high school who I didn’t like then.
Now?
Now, I’m...
I'm such a girl...
This is what’s actually going on in my head right now. It’s so blatantly female that I want to slap myself in the face. Here goes…
Me: I wonder what [he] is up to.
Also Me: Who effing cares? He’s doesn’t give a shit about you.
Me: Why would you think that?
Also Me: Because you’re not tall enough, smart enough, or successful enough.
Me: I like him.
Also...
Actual Convo
Me: It really irritates me that all of these studios talking about 'diversity' are just segregating shows by race. So, there's shows for black people and latinos and...
Girl: ...shows for Asians. Wait, there are no shows for Asians.
Me: That's cuz ya'll read books.
Girl: That's why we're all doctors.
Me: Jews have handed off the torch and you folks are just running with it.
...but it's still annoying that there aren't a lot of mixed race shows on the tele. We all hang out in real life, it's okay to display that on TV.
Things They Don't Tell You #7
Sometimes, your babies will crawl into your bed in the middle of the night and fall back asleep with their hand on your arm. Your heart will grow four sizes. No one warned me about that.
